God isn't watching you, Bhikku. But I am, because I have to. So please dress well.
-- The Diary, date unknown, the Fall of 498 BC
In September 1995, L~ was being ragged by his seniors. Now, L~ was a man with an eye on Big Things. He was always coming up with proofs of Fermat's Last Theorem using only addition and the number forty-three. In short, he wasn't the sort of man to bother about underlying details. So when asked to strip, he promptly shed the lungi, forgetting that he was unchaddied that day. A riot ensued. One of the seniors passed out. Another developed jaundice and missed his finals. The third squealed like a schoolgirl and ran out of the room.
Or so I'm told. I wouldn't know, because I wasn't there. Most of my life, interesting things have happened roughly 100 yards from where I was. Yet, in spite of missing all this action, I have not killed myself. And that is because I've had my moment too. Bow, gentle reader, to B., the only first-hand witness of The Infamous Incident of Topless VR and Prof. N~, alluded to earlier on this space. (Prof. N~'s real name is not N~, of course. I'm still not brave enough to face her wrath, should she find out about this.)
It was a hot Saturday afternoon in the spring of 1999. VR and I sat in the VLSI laboratory. VR was topless, while I was topped. Not that I have anything against toplessness, but my dimensions at the time were such that it was more prudent to bear the heat than bare the body. VR and I were both goofing off: I was checking the cricket score while he was chatting with what he thought was a girl, though it was only M~ posing as one.
And then Prof. N~ entered, or rather she peeped in from the door, as she always does. Now, Prof. N~ was VR's project advisor, and that of course, meant that she loathed VR with all her blessed heart and some more. And now, suddenly, she was faced with more of VR than had ever wanted to see. She saw him, even as he was trying to disappear into his computer monitor. Her face twisted a little, methinks. And then she saw me. Now, Prof. N~ generally did not like to see undergrads. She had her reasons. We undergrads were extremely lustful lads, and she was decidedly cute. But she saw me, and this time, her face twisted a little more. It must have been a Smile, though Prof. N~, as a rule, did not Smile. The strain showed.
"Have you seen C~ lately?"
"Yes, ma'am. I mean, no ma'am. I mean, I saw him yesterday, ma'am. He was looking for his cycle, ma'am. That's because he had his cycle key, ma'am. C~, his cycle and his cycle key are never in the same place, ma'am. Ha, ha, ha!"
Prof. N~ looked downcast. She turned away from me, but then she saw VR, now trying to bury himself under the table. With a steely look, turned back to me.
"If you see C~, can you please ask him to come and see me at my office."
"Yes, m'am"
"Yes what?"
"If I see C~, I'll ask him to come to your office, ma'am."
She seemed surprised at this unexpected show of intelligence. Anyway, she walked out. I went back to the cricket score. A few moments passed.
"Do you think she saw me?", screamed VR, making me jump.
"What? Oh that. Probably."
"Really?"
"Yup, you are hard to miss."
"Aargh! Well, what do I care? I don't care a damn. It's not a crime. Isn't it hot? Yes, it is very hot. Nobody would wear a shirt. Say, why are you wearing a shirt?"
This was dangerous ground. "Well, just because. I don't have to explain to you, you know?"
"Well, no need to get angry. I just asked."
I went back to the c. s. A few minutes passed.
"I can SEE you", bellowed VR. He was now standing at the door, roughly where Prof. N~ had been. I considered this information.
"Not fair! You didn't tell me you had started counting. That's against the rules, you know. Well, anyway, now you hide. I'll count to twenty."
VR seemed perplexed. Then, he said, "No, you moron. I can see you from here. That means she could see me."
"Brilliant, Holmes! Now can I get back to some real work?"
"No wait, wait, wait! You aren't sitting where I was. Go sit over there".
I groaned, but obliged. After all, friends shift for friends.
"Damn, I can still see you."
I shrugged, and returned to my nook. Further c.s.-checking had lasted barely five minutes, when the sound of thunder shook my ears.
"You are taller than me". Now it was VR standing right next to me, staring wide-eyed.
I blushed. "Oh, no! Not really!"
"No! You are MUCH taller than me. At least one foot!"
Low self-esteem, I had noticed, was rather common among those who knew yours truly. Encouragement was clearly called for. "Come now, my boy! What if I'm taller. I'm sure you have your strengths. Maybe you're handsomer, smarter, more charming, nicer." And then I looked at him, and pondered the issue. "Hmm, well, yeah! I know what you mean. We do have a problem. Let's see. Oh yes. Can you whistle?"
"Why, yes! I can"
"There! I can't whistle. See, I told you you have your strengths. What if I'm taller", and I reached out to pat him on the back.
"No, you moron", said VR. It was obviously a pet phrase. "I mean, you are taller. Maybe that's why I could see you. Maybe she didn't see me."
"Ah! Possible, I suppose. Good luck, my man. I hope that's the case."
"Oh, shut up. Now go to the door, and bend so that you are about the same height as her."
I groaned. But I moved to the door and stooped. Friends bend for friends.
"Can you see me?"
"Yes."
"Well, look right at me and tell me exactly you see."
The lad was obviously in love. Kindness was called for, once again. "VR, my boy, I'm sorry to say this. I don't think of you that way. It's not you. It's me. I drive on the other side of the road, if you get my drift. Let's just be friends. If I have ever done anything to give you hope, I beg pardon."
"No, you moron! I mean, if you just peeped in, would have noticed that I'm not wearing a shirt?"
"Ah! Why, yes! Of course, scienfically, I can only say that if you're wearing a shirt, it is no more than chest high."
"Damn! So she would have noticed. Well, what the hell. I don't care what she thinks. It's a free country. There's no uniform in this place. Anyway, this is Saturday. I can dress as I please. In fact, she has no business being here on Saturdays. She could lose her job if I complained to the Dean. Right?"
"Exactly. Couldn't agree more," I piped in, desparate to get back to the cricket score.
Roughly half an hour passed. The first innings was over. I realized I needed a leak pronto. I stepped out on to the corridor, and saw it was crowded. Prof. N~ was walking, talking to C~. VR was following them. I joined too, of course. Leaks could wait.
Prof. N~ asked C~ something. He immediately laughed, as always. And then he realized it wasn't a joke, and he answered. She asked some more. He laughed and answered some more. VR was following them, clearly waiting for C~ to finish. But Prof. N~ kept talking to C~ anyway. They climbed down the stairs, walked to the parking lot. C~ was perplexed. Nobody ever talked to him this much. Slowly, his answers were becoming completely idiotic. He was drawing from the well of his wisdom, and it was running dry. Now, he was describing his recurrent nightmare, something about bending under the sofa to find A~'s head there. He was about to get to the "What do you think it means?" phase, when N~ reached her car. She first let out a sigh of relief. Then she looked at C~ with a mixture of gratitude and pity. Then she turned to VR, with a killer look full of contempt and loathing. Her face twitched. She was Smiling, again. Triumphantly, she drove out into the sunset.
I slipped out unnoticed, and took a leak, and came back to the lab to wait for the second innings.
VR breezed in after 10 minutes. He looked happy, even jubilant. "I don't care, man. I'm not afraid of anything. What can she do? Nothing, that's what. I won't even consult her on my project. I'll just do it myself. What does she think? Ha!"
I nodded appreciatively. Five minutes passed.
"Say, do you think she's near-sighted? She does wear glasses, you know."
I walked out. I needed a quiet place just then. Friends don't laugh when friends are in trouble.
-- The Diary, date unknown, the Fall of 498 BC
In September 1995, L~ was being ragged by his seniors. Now, L~ was a man with an eye on Big Things. He was always coming up with proofs of Fermat's Last Theorem using only addition and the number forty-three. In short, he wasn't the sort of man to bother about underlying details. So when asked to strip, he promptly shed the lungi, forgetting that he was unchaddied that day. A riot ensued. One of the seniors passed out. Another developed jaundice and missed his finals. The third squealed like a schoolgirl and ran out of the room.
Or so I'm told. I wouldn't know, because I wasn't there. Most of my life, interesting things have happened roughly 100 yards from where I was. Yet, in spite of missing all this action, I have not killed myself. And that is because I've had my moment too. Bow, gentle reader, to B., the only first-hand witness of The Infamous Incident of Topless VR and Prof. N~, alluded to earlier on this space. (Prof. N~'s real name is not N~, of course. I'm still not brave enough to face her wrath, should she find out about this.)
It was a hot Saturday afternoon in the spring of 1999. VR and I sat in the VLSI laboratory. VR was topless, while I was topped. Not that I have anything against toplessness, but my dimensions at the time were such that it was more prudent to bear the heat than bare the body. VR and I were both goofing off: I was checking the cricket score while he was chatting with what he thought was a girl, though it was only M~ posing as one.
And then Prof. N~ entered, or rather she peeped in from the door, as she always does. Now, Prof. N~ was VR's project advisor, and that of course, meant that she loathed VR with all her blessed heart and some more. And now, suddenly, she was faced with more of VR than had ever wanted to see. She saw him, even as he was trying to disappear into his computer monitor. Her face twisted a little, methinks. And then she saw me. Now, Prof. N~ generally did not like to see undergrads. She had her reasons. We undergrads were extremely lustful lads, and she was decidedly cute. But she saw me, and this time, her face twisted a little more. It must have been a Smile, though Prof. N~, as a rule, did not Smile. The strain showed.
"Have you seen C~ lately?"
"Yes, ma'am. I mean, no ma'am. I mean, I saw him yesterday, ma'am. He was looking for his cycle, ma'am. That's because he had his cycle key, ma'am. C~, his cycle and his cycle key are never in the same place, ma'am. Ha, ha, ha!"
Prof. N~ looked downcast. She turned away from me, but then she saw VR, now trying to bury himself under the table. With a steely look, turned back to me.
"If you see C~, can you please ask him to come and see me at my office."
"Yes, m'am"
"Yes what?"
"If I see C~, I'll ask him to come to your office, ma'am."
She seemed surprised at this unexpected show of intelligence. Anyway, she walked out. I went back to the cricket score. A few moments passed.
"Do you think she saw me?", screamed VR, making me jump.
"What? Oh that. Probably."
"Really?"
"Yup, you are hard to miss."
"Aargh! Well, what do I care? I don't care a damn. It's not a crime. Isn't it hot? Yes, it is very hot. Nobody would wear a shirt. Say, why are you wearing a shirt?"
This was dangerous ground. "Well, just because. I don't have to explain to you, you know?"
"Well, no need to get angry. I just asked."
I went back to the c. s. A few minutes passed.
"I can SEE you", bellowed VR. He was now standing at the door, roughly where Prof. N~ had been. I considered this information.
"Not fair! You didn't tell me you had started counting. That's against the rules, you know. Well, anyway, now you hide. I'll count to twenty."
VR seemed perplexed. Then, he said, "No, you moron. I can see you from here. That means she could see me."
"Brilliant, Holmes! Now can I get back to some real work?"
"No wait, wait, wait! You aren't sitting where I was. Go sit over there".
I groaned, but obliged. After all, friends shift for friends.
"Damn, I can still see you."
I shrugged, and returned to my nook. Further c.s.-checking had lasted barely five minutes, when the sound of thunder shook my ears.
"You are taller than me". Now it was VR standing right next to me, staring wide-eyed.
I blushed. "Oh, no! Not really!"
"No! You are MUCH taller than me. At least one foot!"
Low self-esteem, I had noticed, was rather common among those who knew yours truly. Encouragement was clearly called for. "Come now, my boy! What if I'm taller. I'm sure you have your strengths. Maybe you're handsomer, smarter, more charming, nicer." And then I looked at him, and pondered the issue. "Hmm, well, yeah! I know what you mean. We do have a problem. Let's see. Oh yes. Can you whistle?"
"Why, yes! I can"
"There! I can't whistle. See, I told you you have your strengths. What if I'm taller", and I reached out to pat him on the back.
"No, you moron", said VR. It was obviously a pet phrase. "I mean, you are taller. Maybe that's why I could see you. Maybe she didn't see me."
"Ah! Possible, I suppose. Good luck, my man. I hope that's the case."
"Oh, shut up. Now go to the door, and bend so that you are about the same height as her."
I groaned. But I moved to the door and stooped. Friends bend for friends.
"Can you see me?"
"Yes."
"Well, look right at me and tell me exactly you see."
The lad was obviously in love. Kindness was called for, once again. "VR, my boy, I'm sorry to say this. I don't think of you that way. It's not you. It's me. I drive on the other side of the road, if you get my drift. Let's just be friends. If I have ever done anything to give you hope, I beg pardon."
"No, you moron! I mean, if you just peeped in, would have noticed that I'm not wearing a shirt?"
"Ah! Why, yes! Of course, scienfically, I can only say that if you're wearing a shirt, it is no more than chest high."
"Damn! So she would have noticed. Well, what the hell. I don't care what she thinks. It's a free country. There's no uniform in this place. Anyway, this is Saturday. I can dress as I please. In fact, she has no business being here on Saturdays. She could lose her job if I complained to the Dean. Right?"
"Exactly. Couldn't agree more," I piped in, desparate to get back to the cricket score.
Roughly half an hour passed. The first innings was over. I realized I needed a leak pronto. I stepped out on to the corridor, and saw it was crowded. Prof. N~ was walking, talking to C~. VR was following them. I joined too, of course. Leaks could wait.
Prof. N~ asked C~ something. He immediately laughed, as always. And then he realized it wasn't a joke, and he answered. She asked some more. He laughed and answered some more. VR was following them, clearly waiting for C~ to finish. But Prof. N~ kept talking to C~ anyway. They climbed down the stairs, walked to the parking lot. C~ was perplexed. Nobody ever talked to him this much. Slowly, his answers were becoming completely idiotic. He was drawing from the well of his wisdom, and it was running dry. Now, he was describing his recurrent nightmare, something about bending under the sofa to find A~'s head there. He was about to get to the "What do you think it means?" phase, when N~ reached her car. She first let out a sigh of relief. Then she looked at C~ with a mixture of gratitude and pity. Then she turned to VR, with a killer look full of contempt and loathing. Her face twitched. She was Smiling, again. Triumphantly, she drove out into the sunset.
I slipped out unnoticed, and took a leak, and came back to the lab to wait for the second innings.
VR breezed in after 10 minutes. He looked happy, even jubilant. "I don't care, man. I'm not afraid of anything. What can she do? Nothing, that's what. I won't even consult her on my project. I'll just do it myself. What does she think? Ha!"
I nodded appreciatively. Five minutes passed.
"Say, do you think she's near-sighted? She does wear glasses, you know."
I walked out. I needed a quiet place just then. Friends don't laugh when friends are in trouble.
5 comments:
lol! :-)
That truly is some pretty funny writing...what was the match btw? Or were you too traumatised by the topless-incident to remember?
@thedq,
this is the unkindest cut of them all. i'm deeply hurt. why are you just lolling? why aren't you rotfling, as you keep doing for no reason at all? don't carpets and cockroaches stay off of the floor more often than you? heck, don't you rotfl after each one of s~'s feeble attempts at humour?
and yet, now you perversely lol and not rotfl, when i crack jokes? if i can't make you rotfl, my humor sucks. i turn to philosophy. my next post will deal with the Isness of the Supraself and its subtle Oneness with the Universal Metaconscious.
@darwin,
thanks much. well, now that you mention it, i don't remember what the match was. wouldn't be surprised if it was tamil nadu vs. maharashtra. i really didn't have much to do those days :-)
"A bit below standard, this time, Mr.B! Male or female, the professors of your undergraduate days seem a very dreary lot, and
your topless associate of those days sounds even duller! These are
hardly the stuff from which a flashing, scintillating blog can be fashioned.
You are distinctly below par! Never forget Freud's golden words: "Creativity will flow, if you stay unconstipated, and screw
your secretary, boss, or his mother, or anything else that is
going, at least once a week!"
Oh Master it is funny. But your one big humorous post got equated to a small disheartening fourth comment. Ah, what to do now?
Lesson objective: To teach master whistling. If you have habit of blowing bubbles with chewing gum, then you're in luck. Even if you don't but know how to, then whistling is a piece of cake, even if it's not my cup of tea.
Signed,
ACB
Post a Comment