The Happy Alien Cometh

If you respect God, Bhikku, respect the Devil too. He must be good. He is, after all, running neck and neck with God.

-- A Summer Evening, Year Unknown.

Every morning, His Supreme Whiteness Shah-eh-Shah Dick Cheney, King of Kings, leads a prayer meeting. There the faithful gather and give thanks to Jesus. "Thank you, Jesus," they say, "for all you have given us. And please keep it up. We have a shit-load of cash. Give us some more. We have heap-big-heap moral values. Give us some more. We have drugs for heart disease and performance enhancement and bladder control. Give us some more. We have power over the world. Give us some more. And above all, Jesus! Protect us from You-know-what and You-know-what-else."

'Tis wondrous strange, but true. Hard as it is to believe, our White Rulers have their fears too. To be precise, they are terrified of two things--Their first fear is that their beloved homeland will be run over by grass-eating brown people, dog-eating yellow people, sinister bearded terrorists and all manner of sub-human foreigners who add numbers in their heads and breed like rabbits. Their second fear is that their beloved homeland will be run over by pink-clad, tight-shirted, homo gay faggots who will gain the legal right to marry and import mass-produced babies from abroad, and raise them to be p.-c, t.-s, homo gay faggots just like themselves.

Terrified as they are, our brave rulers manfully fight the coming Armageddon, under the stewardship of George W. Bush, that darling of the American masses. He mobilizes the mass of his slaves, exhorting them to fight the homos at home and the multiplying aliens abroad. To all appearances, he has been successful. King Cheney is pleased. He even smiles every now and then. Little does he realize, alas, that his much-trusted Jesus is going to desert him.

Aye! Dubya might hold off homos and aliens, as long as they are by themselves. But what, I ask, can he do about the rapidly growing army of Homo Aliens? Nothing, that's what.

Dubya's travails remind me of a charming story I read in school, which goes like this--There was a brave little boy in Netherlands, and he noticed that there was a hole in one of the dykes that kept the ocean out. With nary a thought, he put his finger in the hole in the dyke. (Yeah, I know! Who needs Playboy when you can get an NCERT textbook instead?) By resolutely keeping his finger there, the boy held off the ocean on the other side till help arrived, and thusly, saved the Netherlands. The story, admittedly, is scarcely credible. No real boy could have resisted the urge to do moocha with so much water on his mind.

What interests me, however, is not the story's accuracy, but its symbolism. That boy is Dubya. The waiting ocean is the teeming multitude of brown people. The dyke is the US laws regarding marriage. The hole is the proposal that gay people be allowed civil unions, i.e., they be allowed to exist legally as he-man and she-man. The symbolism, alas, stops there. Unlike the boy in the story, Dubya won't succeed. Hordes of homo foreigners, I'm afraid, will soon overrun the US.

You frown, reader. You think I'm just gassing, as usual. You know that poor people, wherever they are, are conservative. They won't go homo for love, not even for cash. You think I'm insulting the poor, by implying that they have no principles. You are wrong. I know, as well as you do, that people will bear all kinds of misery in the name of God and morality. But you underestimate the Brown Mind. Brown men know that a gay couple can :

1. file joint tax returns, claiming each other as destitute dependents,
2. get family discounts on all kinds of things,
3. take leave claiming that their teenage son went on a high-school shooting rampage again,

4. save on reusable items like DVDs, books, magazines, aranijaars, ul-banians, dinosaur-pattern jattis, etc.

Most importantly, they know that a gay couple

5. don't have to prove to anyone that they really are gay, and
6. can divorce whenever they want.

The possibilities are endless, and they are already coming to pass. Put your ear to the ground, and you will hear the distant rumble of Revolution. Aye! Even as Dubya vainly attempts to plug holes here and there, the Deluge is upon us. It began, as these things always begin, in Ahmedabad, Gujarat. From that fabled cradle of Enterprise, a young lady has emigrated to join her beloved in Canada, where she "is free to express her sexuality". Future generations will hold her up as a Messiah. A misguided Messiah perhaps, but a Messiah all the same. What she has done for Life-Long Love, millions of brown people will soon do for short-term savings.

I can picture it, in my mind's eye. Rajasekhar Gogineni, father of Naveen Gogineni, will log on to www.jushtadjusht.com/. He will put in a search for a Pedda Kamma boy with clean habits, steady income, and no family commitments ("Chinna Kammas need not apply. We wish you good luck.") After many frustrations, he will find Ch. Venkata Subbaiah, alias Subbu. He will introduce Naveen to Subbu, and after two e-mail exchanges, they will be ready to "go ahead". Naveen, who has a romantic, slightly mischievous, nature, will write:

Cheskuntamu ra Pelli,
California-loki velli,
Vina ra, naa cheliya Subbu,
Save chestamu chala Dubbu.

Padakura nuvu emi baadha,
Promise chestanu nee meedha,
Nenu neekanna inka straight-u,
Jushtu three years-lu cheira wait-u.

Appudu tondaruga divorcu chesi,
Rondu manchi ammayilu choosi,
Pelli cheskuntamu ra iddaru,
Marriage brokeru ma fatheru.

which, roughly translated, goes as follows:

"Dear chap," Naveen said,
"Soon in Frisco, we'll wed.
The laws there are lax.
We won't have no tax.

Let our purses swell,
Then we'll say farewell.
And choose from all of AP,
Two babes to make us happy.

You really needn't fear,
For let me make it clear,
That I won't play no trick,
'Coz I too want a chick."

Touched, Subbu will agree. Together, they will come and study at the South Dakota Unitarian University, for there really is such a place. They will graduate and move to San Jose, and spend three beautiful years there, married and tax-free. Just like any other brown couple, they will watch movies in dollar theaters, buy lots of blank CDs on sale, and have no sex at all. In three years, it'll be time for them to settle down in life. They'll divorce each other, and get married to two lovely girls. They'll wed at the same time, because it is clearly cheaper that way. Two years later, Naveen will remember Subbu, even as his wife throws very expensive cutlery at him for no reason at all. Perhaps, he would think, they should have stayed married. But then he'll banish the blasphemous thought from his mind. After all, brown men will do anything for money, except other brown men. Aye! There is after all something called Hindu culture, and in the end, that's what matters.

Dick Cheney believes that everything that is not a White Christian Male is Satan. Maybe he is right, but he forgets that Satan comes in many forms. If gay Satan don't screw Cheney, brown Satan will. What's more, brown Satan will screw him in ways Cheney can't even begin to imagine. And there's not a thing poor Jesus can do about it.

Amen.